Lisa, 21, College Station, TX

I found her on her way to the center of the Earth.
Engrossed in a book, she was curled up in a chair at a bookstore with her 60s jeans and baseball cap that was holding back her long, blonde, wavy hair still damp from the rain.
Lisa’s piercing blue eyes lit up as she picked up a few picture books and professed her love for them.

Squatting to pee
She describes herself as a very tolerant individual, someone who is not easily surprised or caught off guard.
“If someone comes up to me and starts talking gibberish, I’m OK with that,” the 21-year-old said. “I had an insane man tell me about how people in the Vietnam War used to pee using really, really stretchy satin pants and he demonstrated it for me. Then he asked me to try it.”
Lisa then began to demonstrate how the crazy man had spent forever showing her correctly how to squat and pee with stretchy pants.
“I mean, he was insane. So maybe they did it that way, maybe they didn’t. But I think he appreciated the fact I took him as seriously as one could doing that demonstration,” she said.
She doesn’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that she’s this way. Sometimes it comes back to bite her on the butt. Like when she’s at a bar, a drunk guy is talking nonsense to her and she takes them seriously.
“Maybe I should be a little bit more not quite so understanding.”
But when’s looking for inspiration, Lisa said, she turns to the musician Seal, especially his songs New Born Friend and State of Grace. The problem with finding inspiration though, is most people find their muse in the experts of the area of life they are trying to excel at, she said. Musicians look up to their favorite songwriters, or artist study great masterpieces.
But what is she?
Young, female, Christian, former college student, Lisa said, she was having a hard time pinning that down.
“I would like to say that the bible inspires me,” she said. “It used to actively inspire me. As in you read a scripture and you are inspired an encouraged to follow suit. As I have wiggled my way out of that life style, it’s more of a, I guess, passive inspiration.”
Humans can’t live their life being inspired by music, art, nature or whatever forever.
“Those things are products. Gods’ the real deal. He’s the author and the creator. Those things are facets of him.”

Struggles, except when underwater
Sitting barefoot with her shell necklace, as we’ve moved to the kid’s section of the bookstore, Lisa said, forgiveness has been a struggle and obstacle in her life.
“ I think that truly forgiving someone, for me, is probably the greatest, greatest struggle I have endured and continue to endure,” she said.
Lisa said her standard for forgiveness comes from the Bible. Jesus Christ forgives His children for their sins. She quoted Psalms 103:11 “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him, as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
When she was five years old, Lisa said, her sister hit her on the bag. Not a big deal and it didn’t even hurt.
But Lisa said she hasn’t been able to forgive her for that.
“I think true forgiveness might even be impossible for humans,” she said. “I think forgiving yourself, forgiving myself, for some of my, shall we call bloopers, is a very slow, excruciating process.”
When you live in a city where education is the number one priority, not being enrolled in school can be depressing, she said, especially as a waitress.
“I’m at the hands of all these students whose number one focus is school and not being good people and tipping their freaking waitress,” she said.
Though it’s fun being a female in the city, she said. There are a lot of young, eligible men who don’t know ay better, though have good morals.
When I asked her what she wanted from life in the future, she gave a list of things she doesn’t want. Lisa said she doesn’t want to weigh more than 160 pounds, be a waitress, have a kid that’s in jail, have a liberal president, still be single or lonely. Lisa said she would like to have made all the mistakes she needs to in order to get them out of the way so she can gave a garden, water her plants, read almanacs and drink tea. Lisa said she finds her perfect solace underwater.
“There’s always noise above seas level. There’s crashing. Things are fast. Just think of a car wreck – that’s how I see being above, completely unsettling, loud, destructful. I think gravity messes anything up,” she said. “Underwater gravity is like, ‘Hey guys. What’s up?’ It’s laid back under water.”
But there are other things that make her happy. Like new socks, Mel Brooks, her birthday.
“It’s kind of hard to ask a severely depressed person what makes them happy,” she said.

Mental state and advice
Depression consist of several things: crying , restlessness, sort of subtle anger that kind of gnaws away at your spirit but so slowly and subtly that you don’t notice it until you’ve gone mad already, never being hungry yet gorging constantly, never being sleepy, though inversely dependent on Ambian, being anti social but completely dependent on social interaction, she said. Having dealt with it for four years, Lisa said, she’s the worst she’s ever been.
“I think it’s because I finally came to a point where I understood just how abdominal my actions are compared to those of Christ,” she said.
Understanding that, and not having the strength to change, only depresses her further.
“I know the problem and I know the solution but I’m too fucking lazy to do anything about it,” she said.
Lisa had some advice to share.
Only take hallucinogens once. Anything that grows out of the ground is good to eat, but you can overdue it.
Be pro life.
Listen to Native American folk music – it’s good for the soul.
Sex – it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Wells give you a hell of a hangover.
Hindsight’s a bitch.
Also, a human being, any human being, is capable of committing any crime, and you will.
“I think guilt is worse than any punishment. I think guilt is the worse punishment. I think guilt is Gods’ way of showing us that we suck. Maybe it’s Satan’s way of showing us we suck. Either way we suck.”

First kiss and unicorns
Lisa said there are several things in life though she enjoys.
Like her friend Amber, who brings her immense joy, the companion of a pet, people watching, cool architecture, Dragon Ball Z, and athletic dudes in tight pants.
But especially ice cream.
“I think that I would be worse off if ice cream did not exist,” she said. “I think ice cream is a good thing for humanity.”
Lisa said she also enjoys the quietness of a library.
“I like the idea of lots of people’s minds working and being active without the noise,” she said.
When she was 16 years old, Lisa said, she had her first kiss. The guy was “seriously hot,” she said.
“He was a beautiful specimen of what God’s hands can do,” she said.
They were lying on the couch watching The Goonies. Lisa said she could feel him start to turn her head toward hers and in her head she was screaming, “This is my favorite part. What is he moving me?!”
Needless to say, Lisa did not enjoy the kiss and did not understand why he would want to ruin the best part of the movie. It was not heart capturing. It was frustrating.
The possibility of unicorns in heaven makes her happy. Lisa said she looks forward to riding one through the cosmos.
Yet the most profound joy she’s ever experienced has been being surrounded by large group of people singing praise to God. When nobody cares how they sound, or whether there are any instruments, Lisa said, she likes to stand back and listen to the chorus of sound dedicated to God.
“May it be a sweet, sweet, sweet song to His ears,” she said smiling.